“First a trickle, then the flood”.
~The Wrestling Guru
“If I hadn't seen it with my own two-eyes, I wouldn't have believed it,” said Bill Kole a former NCAA Champion at the University of Northern Iowa who was graciously in attendance to watch his grandson wrestle.
“It was something straight out of the Twilight Zone and I'll never forget as long as I live. It was the first time I ever saw a wrestling meet – or any sporting event for that matter - that was truly over before it began".
Lisa Black mother of Waverly's 112 pounder Cody Black said, “After the first three forfeits we all starting looking around at one another like what's going on??? It was surreal. After the 6th in a row we thought it was a joke; after the 11th we stopped smiling, and by the 14th some of us were literally crying,"
The unbelievable until now news?
Iowa Wrestling History and beyond was made when earlier tonight at the prestigious Iowa High School State Dual Championships in Cedar Rapids, where the finals were “wrestled” pitting Waverly Shell Rock against the Trojans of Iowa City West when believe it or not…and get this...not a single match was contested.
“It was more like a tennis match than the State Duals finals match” said Kareem Arrimbar, the father of Waverly’s 160 pound sophomore Daniel “Double” Arrimbar. “We’d look left, see ‘em walk out to the middle, get their hand raised, and sit back down”.
”And then we’d look right - see them come to the middle, get their hand raised, and sit back down. And then left, and then right, then left, and so on and so on and so on… It was like 5000 people performing the universal head-shake for “NO” in super slo-mo and perfect synchronicity”.
“I flew-in exclusively to watch the great physical style of wrestling Coach Gable has famously developed and promised to the great wrestling state of Iowa," said Art Vandelay the famous New York architect and proud wrestling enthusiast, “but all I heard was: 'I believe this, and I believe that'. That sort of thinking might work in wrestling but it sure doesn't work in any of my 350 companies".
Markus Reilander, the highly decorated and future Hall of Fame Coach at Iowa City West said “I guess I have mixed feelings about it. On one-hand , it's very heart-warming and completely refreshing to see all these wonderful kids with their strong moral and religious beliefs, and being driven by their consciousness and all - I’m so proud of them for having the unique courage to stand-up for what they believe. On the other hand, it sure would have been nice to see a match or two, ya know? I'm wondering where it was we lost our way”?
Rikky Scaldwell, the much more flashy and talkative of the two, and Head Coach of the 2011 and 2012 Traditional State Tournament Champions from Waverly took a much more square stance on the issue, “Tonight was a tragedy - I can’t believe they (Iowa City West) had the nerve and totally unsportsman-like conduct to forfeit all seven of the matches we were totally and completely prepared to wrestle. It’s really bad for the sport as a whole and the I.H.S.A.A. ought to do something about it right quick”.
But when questioned about the equal number (seven) Go-Hawks who refused to wrestle their opponents and opted to forfeit on account of personal beliefs, Coach Scaldwell’s ears suddenly became clogged and he tilted his head sideways and began repeatedly and somewhat violently banging the side of his head with the heel-of his hand while making a loud "mua" sound. So he was obviously was unable to hear, let alone answer our question.
Mary Quite Contrary, the president of Express Yourself You Beautiful Thing You was in attendance because she somehow first caught wind (and later broke it) that something like this was not only bound, but also deeply determined to be released, “It was the first and best wrestling meet I’ve ever witnessed! How exciting and dramatic! All that mutual respect and hand-shaking and standing-up for what you believe-in…and then sitting-down so politely and in such a pretty straight row...it took my breath away! These boys are just the best!
Miss Contrary continued, “It was so much more interesting and beneficial than all that mocho wrestling business you normally see at these kinds of events – a waste of a time if you asked me. Other than that Gable guy and that handsome Hulk Hogan person, this might be the best thing that ever happened to the sport of wrestling”!
But not everyone in attendance was so gracious with the compliments – where some saw progress, others saw erosion.
Jim and John Bentley, long time State Tournament historians and Lisbon wrestling aficionados were obviously deeply disappointed.
Jim said, "I never thought the political and personal things you see in the other sports would ever reach the great sport of wrestling. This is a very sad day for Iowa wrestling and for the first time in 50 years, next year I might have to stay home”.
Kole Miner, father of Waverly’s 145 pounder Salt was furious to say the least and summed up his feelings this way, "This is an outrage, what a joke, I almost forgot to laugh. I came here for a wrestling tournament, not a stupid platform for everyone to 'stand up for what they believe in. Are we wrestling here, or not"?
Joe Waverly father of Iowa City West’s 189 pounder somewhat echoed Mr. Miner’s thoughts, “I guess since everybody’s standing up for what they believe-in…I strongly believe if we come to watch a state wrestling tournament, we should be able to count of seeing some actual damn wrestling, not some circus-act where it seems everybody’s confusing these mats as a pimped-out stage to promote some sort of religious, moral or ethical beliefs”.
Ivan Trump, the father of Waverly’s 135 pounder Donny said, “If I want to witness social and political protests, I’ll go to a political rally…if I want wrestling action, I’d like to go to the Iowa State Wrestling Tournament. If you make me watch both at the same time, I will respectfully choose neither”.
Iowa, generally known as one of the nation’s greatest wrestling powerhouses wasn’t real quick to hang the not-so gold medal around its collective neck.
"It doesn’t feel like much of a medal or honor”, said Alan Bestival the honorable Iowa High School State Wrestling Director.
"It feels more like a noose to me and reminds me of that funny movie with Chevy Chase where he drives that old station-wagon off the road and jumps it fifffty yards. I mean it was something extraordinary for certain but clearly, it’s nothing to be proud of Rusty”.
Since the dual was matchless, scoreless, and activity-less deciding a winner proved to be an exceedingly difficult task.
But after some commiserating and discussion among the coaches and officials, it was decided they would “draw straws” to determine the winner.
Coach Reilander got to be the picker. He studied the one straw, then the other, before successfully grasping the lower of the two figuring some sort of reverse psychology plot.
After seeing the longer straw and holding it up like it was the sword he pulled out of a rock, the crowd went absolutely nuts with joy. Half the building was jumping and scremaning for joy... “We won, we won”!
But that wily Coach Scaldwell, not known to lose many easy battles suddenly somehow noticed that the sticks they used for “the draw” were branded with Made in China!
And last June, Patriot, ICW’s 140 pounder went on official record stating that he forfeits any match that uses non-American equipment or products in the production of any event he participates.
And since the “straws” were obviously made in China, a steaming Scaldwell declared that if fact, his team “should immediately be declared the winner”!!!
As you can imagine pandemonium was everywhere and things almost got out of control.
"It was nuts" said Demetrius Wolgang Montgomery von Viener Shnitzel quite succinctly.
After calmer heads prevailed a committee was formed to determine the rightful winner so therefore by 1:00 AM CST, no verdict was returned.
Mr. Bestival, went on record saying he and the committee will be looking into the matter and laid out his very detailed plan, "We will look into this matter and declare a winner just as soon as we are able".
Ten minutes later, when no longer at the microphone and just seemingly aimlessly milling around the room, a reporter asked Mr. Bestival if he could be more specific regarding the time-frame in which the public might expect the committee to declare the winner. But Mr. Bestival simply stared off into space and said, "Fiffty Yards".
The Empty Box Scores
At 103 Smith (WAV) forfeits to Jones (ICW) because Jones is a girl.
At 112 Black (ICW) forfeits to White (WAV) because White is black.
At 119 Novel (WAV - freshman) forfeits to Experianzt (ICW - senior) because Novel is a freshman and Experianzt is a senior.
At 125 Hoolihan (ICW) forfeits to Berkowitz (WAV) on account Hoolihan believes strongly the entire Jewish religion is totally flawed.
At 130 Twentytwenty (WAV) forfeited to Blindazabat (ICW) because Blindazabat truly IS blind as a bat, and Twentytwenty strongly feels combat with 'handicappers' is unconscionable. Blindaszabat was totally insulted and immediately filed for papers in the State's brand new Hind-Sight is 20/20 Clause (H.S.C.20) stating if he knew that Twentytwenty was such an a-hole, hewould have forfeited before Twentytwenty forfeited to him on the grounds Twentytwenty is an a-hole". ** (The state is looking into the Hind-Sight is 20/20 clause and will shed some light on their vision, focus and course a.s.a.p.)
At 135 Trump (WAV) forfeited to Bleukollar (ICW) as Trump believes Bleukollar is lazy and dumb and not worthy of this sport, or his time.
At 140 Patriot (ICW) forfeited to Isconslobertzski (WAV) because Isconslobertzski wasn't even born in the U.S. and Patriot (who always wears red, white and blue socks) strongly believes that in order to be eligible to wrestle in America you should be born in America.
At 145 Clinton (WAV) a registered Junior Democrat forfeited to Bush (ICW) because Clinton’s conscience tells him that Bush is a greedy, fat republican and Clinton can’t condone that behavior therefore will be conveniently using this stage to make this point on the advice of his family attorney, agent, speech writer, image consultant and publicist.
At 152 Stubby Smith (ICW) forfeited to Stretch Jones (WAV) because Stubby’s always felt deep down that tall people are not good for wrestling – Stubby was quoted last week in W.O.N. Magazine as saying “Everybody knows God meant for wrestlers to be short, strong, stubby guys like me, not tall and lanky like him. Geesh, how can these guys not know that already?”
At 160 Arrembar (WAV) forfeited to Cradler (ICW) because Arrembar has zero respect for people who use cradles because “there is no way cradles should be treated differently! No one else gets to lock their hands before near-fall criteria is met! So why the heck should they!?” protested an obviously frustrated, and struggling Double Arrembar.
171 Kettle (ICW) forfeited to Pot (WAV)because last Thursday night at an on-line forum ,Pot called Kettle black and now he won’t even think about wrestling such a blatant hypocrite.
189 West (WAV) forfeited to Waverly (ICW) because last year Waverly transferred to West and West thinks that’s “bullshit” and traitors shouldn’t be allowed to live, let alone wrestle.
215 East (ICW) forfeited to South (WAV) because East is very good friends with West so East wanted to show his support for West and forfeit to South, even though Jack South didn’t do jack shit.
285 Browneye (WAV) forfeited to Blueeye (ICW) because he’s “long been more than a little suspect of those Blueeyeed people and is not comfortable wrestling them,” then added, “and it has nothing to do with that one movie I watched in the fifth grade either”.
Attendance: 4,997
Takedowns: Waverly 0 Iowa City West 0
Reversals: Waverly 0 Iowa City West 0
Escapes: Waverly 0 Iowa City West 0
Stall Warnings: 0
Dirty Scrambles: 0
Offensive Attempts: 0
Counter-Attack Attempts: 0
Shot-to-Finish Ratio: Waverly 0% 0 Attempts- 0 Finishes ICW 0% 0 Attempts – 0 Finishes
Outstanding Wrestler Award: Clinton (WAV) because he jogged to the center of the mat most athletically and did that cool ‘snap ‘ thing at the end of his handshake.
The Centipede Award: The Most Steps in the Least Amount of Time Stubby Smith (ICW): From the edge of the mat to the center, and back again. 48 steps in 7.7 seconds. *New State Record since replacing that antiquated, boring and tiresome Gregorian Award aka…The Most Falls in the Least Amount of Time.
Sportsmanship Award: Ernie East (ICW) because his reason for not competing was simply to help someone else to, not compete – he actually had no beef with his scheduled opponent.
Official: Kevin Tanman (His reaction coming soon! - rated R!)
We will be alerting the public to the winner as soon as the committee has reached its final decision so please stay tuned.
